09.18 Erasing you

One of the things I did in the morning was deactivate my FB. I hope you can't see my pictures so that they don't have to remind you of me. And I felt like I wanted to temporarily leave my social space..? I was also afraid that maybe you'd erase me from your friends list. I hope you don't; I honestly don't want to remove you. I think it's easier for me to be in denial and think something false and make myself believe in it rather than find out the truth and hurt myself more from it. I did see with my eyes before deactivating it that you did put "Single." It confirmed to me that we really ended it, since I wasn't able to tell on the phone last night with your words.

I finally grabbed enough courage to reread your text. If I could text you back a reply (since you asked me not to and being the compliant person I am I couldn't) it would be this:

"Please don't feel bad; I trust your decision and I know you're doing it for both of us.
I'll be praying for us both as well. I hope you stay well and take care too."

Did you ever think that the first time we saw each other after almost two years would be the last? It still weighs on me but maybe that will make our parting easier huh?

I went to school hoping not to see you. On my way to class, I ran into a friend again. We talked a bit. He's a singer and composer and I enjoy listening to his music in progress. While talking to him I noticed my voice changed and my throat hurt, something was definitely wrong but not enough to bother me the whole day. In my DAN class we had another speaker; an author, dance instructor, dancer and former stripper. It was pretty fun and she even got the whole class involved in stretching and releasing stiffness; we yelled and sighed out loud. Screaming does release stress and built up tightness I found. At the end she even performed a dance for us (:

After class, I went straight to the library. I did some research on your religion and the basics, beliefs from books and online. I felt like I shouldn't have, it just reminded me even more of you and did tear a couple times while reading. When my mom picked me up, she started asking about you. She asked whether we were actually going out and such. I told her it was..complicated and the truth about what we want to do in the future and what your religious views were. She didn't seem to mind and understood, in fact, she started telling me of friends and family who converted because of their choice. She didn't think bad of it and said it really is a good religion to belong to. Today we also had family come over. We picked up a married couple from Guam. They were very tall! Seeing me compared to their daughter they thought I was 16 years old lol. They lived on your side of town. Driving down Buffalo I clearly remembered passing by it with you too.

I know I said I will take care of myself but I don't think I'm ready to go back to normal yet. I weighed myself in the morning: 83 lbs... I really did not have an appetite the whole day. For breakfast I had a yakult drink, lunch was a Tazo tea and half a granola bar and later in the day I had potato chips from Wynn (which were incredibly thick and crunchy) and a bbq chicken stick.

I did a lot of reading the whole day and listened to a song non-stop. I feel like I need noise around me or keep myself busy so as not to think about those things. I think I will sleep pretty early today so to fill the loneliness and gap. Today I smiled fake smiles. Pretended to be okay. I don't want to tell all this to anyone close to me, at least not yet. But I think I'm closer to getting back to the way I was before.

Lastly, I want to convey to you (or even let my feelings reach you) just like we did each night, "I like you. Goodnight. Bye"